Fireflies

The day is almost gone as night begins to overtake the city. The air is cool and somewhat crisp as Pale and Keros sit quietly on the end of the pier on the edge of the lake behind the manor. Their shoes set next to each other off to one side as they let their bare feet lazily sway in the soothing waters. Pale steals a glance over at Keros who is staring up into the sky. It takes him a moment to realize that he focused on something other than the steadily brightening stars. Several pin points of light appear to be moving closer down towards them.

"Father, what are those?" Keros asks in obvious wonder.

"They appear to be fireflies. Strange, I do not recall ever seeing them at this time of year." He replies as he rises to stand almost in unison as Keros jumps to his feet for even the slightest closer look.

Keros lets out a gasp as he intently watches the small spheres of light draw ever closer. They seem to move purposefully without the slightest hesitation or hint of apprehension.

A flicker of movement catches her eye as she strolls the gardens in the early evening. Two figures on the pier in the distance. Felina stops and watches for a moment before realizing it's Pale and Keros, but curiosity makes her stay. What are they doing out there?

Soon countless fireflies dance in the air all around them, their flickering light seems to make the two shimmer. Keros capers between them as he giggles with delight, and Pale himself cannot help but laugh at the boy's unadulterated joy. A smile still on his face, Pale raises his hand out slowly and one of the small masses of light separates from the others to descend down to rest upon it. He lowers it gently for Keros to see, and he stands wide-eyed in complete silence.

She hears laughter from Keros and then, strangely, from Pale. She takes a few steps in the darkening light, closer, but still out of sight for someone not paying attention. Fireflies. Pale reaches out and brings a firefly down for Keros to see. Felina's heart lightens for a moment at Keros’ smile. She notices Pale smiling as well and she begins to smile herself, but she quickly stifles the impulse and simply watches.

The slightest hint of shared happiness pulses from a short distance away and is lost shortly thereafter. Pale looks out into the darkness for a moment, and though he knows it is her, he cannot see Felina there. He wears the expression of regret on his face openly, in that moment making no effort to hide it, but Keros' merriment soon catches his attention once more, and he turns back to the wondrous scene.

I've never seen that expression before. Not on him. Felina shakes her head and focuses on Keros, determined not to allow the scene to move her. Not for Pale at least. It was a trick of the light. That is all.

She turns and walks back to the manor, the echoes of Keros' laughter fading behind her.

A short time later, the fireflies drift away across the serene lake until they can be seen no more. Pale takes Keros' hand and makes his way back towards the softly illuminated manor. The excitement of it all has taken its toll on the young man as he fights to keep his eyes open. The recently endless flow of words from his mouth describing the amazing display on the water's edge also subsides. As his tiredness slows his pace, Pale hoists him up into his arms and carries him the rest of the way.

**********************

The manor, though quiet, seems to be stifling tonight. No sooner had I sat down with my tea, but the impulse to feel the night air once again rose in me, and I found myself heading back downstairs and out the nearest door. It must be my elven nature that pulls me from the manmade and into the natural. It happens occasionally. Those nights where I find myself outside for no better reason than to simply be there.

The moon rises and Felina steps out into the small ornamental garden planted just outside the east wing of the manor. The plants there are fairly new, having been planted in her absence as she toured her holdings in the north. She walks quietly, steaming tea cup in hand, as she studies the various plants and shrubs. Evergreens. It’s a winter garden…

"I planted them for you, though they seem insignificant compared to all that you have and beyond that tried to give to me before. To me they represent flourishing among the most difficult times." Pale speaks to her as he slowly walks up, still leaving some distance between them, "You do not owe me anything Felina, but I do not wish things to go on as they have. Though I may not be deserving, all I ask is for a chance to apologize."

Felina startles slightly at the sound of his voice. I had been so engrossed in the plants that I didn't even hear him approach. She slowly looks back over her shoulder to see him standing there, a cold sinking feeling forming in the pit of her stomach. "Thank you, Pale. But what could you possibly want to apologize for? You've done nothing against me."

"That is exactly why I should apologize. Because I have done nothing when I should have done so much. I have hardly been a friend to you, when you have sacrificed so much for me. I will not try to make excuses, because there are none suitable, but I will say that I am truly sorry whether you truly believe I have any reason to be or not. There are so many things to say, but I am not sure how I can properly say them to you. Let me just say that I have already lost so many that were dear to me, and I do not wish to lose you as well." Pale almost pleads with her with his earnest words. She cannot recall the last time, if there ever was one, that he said so much so openly to her.

Felina feels a lump in her throat. I want to believe him so badly. I was just starting to think I could forget what I felt. What I thought I felt... "Pale, you don't have to..." Pretend to care about me?  She shakes her head and turns away from him, "You don't have to do that. I know you think Pharasma wants you to look after me. You've done your duty. I'm strong now. I don't need that anymore."

"Felina, I want to tell you something that I thought I would take to my grave. About what happened recently..." He stares distantly into the darkness in silence for a moment, "Well, it will require some time to explain if you will listen. I will never speak of it to anyone else, but I want to share it with you..."

Felina stands very still. "I'm listening."

He glances at her for a moment before looking away once more, "Do you remember what happened when our spirits were joined in the battle with the Raven Queen? I saw what you endured so long ago, and I believe you witnessed some things from long ago in my childhood..."

Felina swallows the lump in her throat, "Yes, I remember." she whispers.

"When my mother died, she was carrying my sister in her womb." He pauses again briefly before continuing, "I never knew that until I returned to my home a short time ago. So many things I believed were starting to unravel at that point."

"All I could think about was how much had been lost that day. So many possibilities that would never come to pass, but I did my best to be strong and carry on. Instead of relying on the ones that I cared for here in the present, I carried it inside of me instead, and my resentment grew. I think she knew that. She somehow knew and wanted to show me she understood."

Felina listens as he speaks, turning ever so slightly to face him again.

"My father did not seek to bring my mother back to life. She was in Pharasma's embrace by then, but was sister was lost between worlds. He sought to drag he back. He could not accept that he would lose them both. It was in that moment that he turned to the dark magic that would tether her to this plane of existence. He turned to black necromancy and soon began creating undead. At first, he raided the nearby graves, but his madness carried with it a great impatience to return in some small way to the way things had been before. The dark arts always offer shorter paths but with greater costs. He soon began turning to the still living in order to create the vessel. He was partially successful, but they were too fragile to exist for very long. He sought the young as they were closer in resemblance to her innocent soul. Many gave their lives so that he could create the wretched creature that was my sister. She grew quickly in  a mockery of the natural ways. Soon after, he brought her to me. That is what you saw then. That is what created Pale so long ago."

Felina turns to look at him, arms crossed in front of her. Her heart softens for a moment. "I'm so sorry, Pale."

"Thank you, Felina. In that moment that she dug her vile claws into my young flesh, she took a part of me. That is what truly linked her to this world. Some time later, the nearby villagers attacked, and I was taken away from there. I did not know what happened after that for my most of my life, but it came to pass that when she needed my father no more, she slaughtered him, and eventually she sought me out. This was not long before the first murder took place, when I began to feel her presence. I began to see things through her eyes in my sleep. Far more vividly than even a vision. First, I saw her effortlessly crush the throat of a mother and toss her down to the street below, and I felt compelled to hide what she had done. I could have been stronger, but I gave in to that need and hid the evidence as best as I could. She later killed the father, and with far more cruelty, but once more, I accepted what she had done and worked to hide it as well. I saw every detail of what she did to them, and the children that were left behind to suffer as she and I had all those years. In her mind they were the demons of the past she relived over and over again. With each innocent life lost, I began to drift more and more into her world. It became clear that she was slaying them as much for me as for herself. To her distorted mind, she had to carry out this ritual."

Felina's eyes widen as Pale tells his tale and she shivers at the thought of the entity that was his sister. His sister... that thing... it killed all those people... and he hid it for her.

"She had stolen a part of me. I could feel that part of myself within her. It was calling me to join her in her own tormented existence.  I was ready to do just that, but in that moment I thought of all that you had done for me. I thought of Keros and all the innocents we fought to protect and all the others that risked their lives for our cause. I saw that I was becoming one with the monster before me. I thought of what you had given up to save me, and I was going to burn it all away. In that moment I asked that Pharasma give me the strength to overcome, and she did. Even though I had blasphemed against her, she had not forsaken me. I took back what my sister had taken so many years ago, and I undid what my father had set in motion to set her free. I forgave him for his grief, and in return, I was left here with the realization of all that I had done. I was given a chance to see things clearly once more with my own eyes. I will not blame what I did on past events. I accept responsibility for everything, and I will work to atone for it all. I do not ask that you simply forgive me for all the wrongs I have committed against you. I ask for the chance to earn your forgiveness."

"I'm sorry for all you had to go through. I can't even imagine..." She sighs, "As for forgiveness though, the only wrong you ever committed against me was in allowing me to think we had this... connection that wasn't there." She lowers her eyes as she speaks. "I have an apology as well. I pushed myself on you before. I know I must have bothered you. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I can see it now in retrospect. I apologize for the way I acted. I promise I will not do it any longer." Felina clutches her hands together and stares steadfastly at the ground in an effort to remain composed. "You don’t need to coddle me for the sake of my feelings. I know you prefer a more peaceful, secluded life, and I now accept that. You are free to leave if you like, not that I could have stopped you before. If you wish to stay here, though, since it is quieter than the rest of the city, you are welcome, and I will leave you to your meditations." She closes her eyes, "You have no forgiveness to earn from me. I should have been a stronger, less childish person to begin with."

Pale walks up next to her and places his hand on her shoulder, “Felina, do you really think of me as someone who would coddle you or lie to you? The only one I have lied to is myself. I have never sought peace for myself, only for others, but I cannot say that I have given anyone such. I have always told myself that I was doing what I was meant to do, even when I was a simple caretaker of the graves of a defunct noble house that had no impact on history whatsoever. Now, I realize everything I have done was out of a selfish desire to fight against my own fate. Maybe my actions had their intended consequences, yet I went about everything so wrong. The ends do not always justify the means. What good is anything I do if I simply leave more suffering in my wake? Here and now in this moment, I want you to see that this is not about me."

His hand warm on her shoulder in the cool of the night air, strangely comforting though she tries to ignore it. "We were never close, Pale. You and I both know it. What is the point now? You're not even the person I knew... that is, if I ever knew you at all. Why are you doing all this?" She gestures out to the newly planted garden. "I will fight with you. I will not abandon the destiny we were chosen for. You do not need to convince me to stay. I do not need you to be my friend." The last words ring bitter, and the emotions rising from her are cold and heart-wrenching though it's also clear she's trying very hard to squelch those feelings, to hide them. She can't bring herself to look at him.

"If you honestly wish for me to leave you alone, then I will. I know that we will fight together even if we despise each other. It is not my place to tell anyone what they must feel, so if you do not wish to be my friend then so be it. Chances are we will not live to see the results of our efforts anyway. Is that right? Why do anything but our duty? It is our fate to fight, so we should always suffer without question. Life is pain until the sweet release of death. Is that is all there is to this world? If it is, then why do we bother to fight for it at all? Maybe it is not our place to question it at all. We can be the cold unfeeling tools needed for this monumental task. I will tell you why that is not the way it is, Felina. Because if we are cold and unfeeling, then we are just as bad as the undead I despise or the wretched creature that comes to devour us all. Life is suffering, that much is true, but it is also much more than that. It is joy at finding something good among all the bad.

“I am not going to march along as an empty husk that moves by invisible strings tugging at me. I will continue on the path we have traveled this far because I choose to do so, and because it is what feels right to me. I am sorry that I hurt you so much, but I was hurting as well. I was hollow inside, but I was not without feeling entirely. Every day it was that I realized just how many had died and would die for my actions and inaction. I was not able to understand if what I was feeling for you was right or if I should leave you free to find someone who could be everything you need. Then I saw my sister, encompassing all that could have been right and everything that has gone wrong, before my very eyes. Until I set her free to end her suffering, and then I was no longer so empty inside. Despite all my sorrow, I was hopeful. I am not a different person now, Felina. I am more myself than I have ever been before, and if that scares you, then you are not alone in that. Those who died were innocents, but I will make something good come from it all. I will make your sacrifice mean something as well, but one thing I will not do is force you to act against your own heart. So, if there is nothing more to be said here, then I will respect your wishes and take my leave."

Felina stands for a very long time in silence. "Pale, when I met you, I realized how lonely I was, and for some reason, you were the only one that made me feel like I wasn't so alone in this world. You never looked at me the way other men did. You never treated me the way they did. I thought, somehow, I could actually be friends with you." She steps away, just out of reach of his hand. "I deluded myself. I thought you felt for me, what I felt for you. I thought we had become... true friends. I let myself believe because... I guess... I was just so tired of being lonely." She crosses her arms in front of her breast hugging them close to herself as she speaks. "I just don't want to hurt anymore. I want to be strong. I don't want to need anyone. I had allowed myself to feel as though I needed you. It was hard to find that I was not needed in return. I'm trying to come to terms with that, Pale. If you want the truth of it, that is why I've been so... distant." She sighs, "I... I don't know why I'm telling you all this."

“Felina, I am not afraid now to admit that I need you, and I do not mean that I need you to face another horrible creature or corrupt being that threatens this world.” Pale takes another step towards her, “I mean that I need you to face another day. I will fight in Pharasma’s name until the moment that I leave this world and beyond if humanly possible, but that is the reason Pale fights. I would not be so strong were it not for becoming Pale, but more than that I am still Henry, and I need a reason to keep fighting! You are my reason!”

"Pale..." Felina stands in silence, head bowed. After a moment her shoulders begin to quiver and with barely more than a whisper she says, "I need you too... I never stopped. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't forget you. I don't want to be alone anymore, Pale. Please don't leave." She turns an looks up at him with tears in her eyes, "Please stay with me."

“I will.” He says as he gently wipes away her tears.