Catching Up

Felina knocked quietly on the guestroom door. A clear "Come in" sounded from the other side of the door, and she quickly let herself inside. A tall man stood before her, tawny skinned and dark haired. His features, those of any other gypsy man save for the slight pointing of his ears and the brilliant green of his eyes. "Tam," she smiled softly, "It's been a long time."

"Felina," he smiled back. Then, uncharacteristically, he fell silent, and for a long moment let an increasingly awkward silence fill the room.

"Well," he said finally, "You've changed quite beyond all my expectations. I don't quite know what to say."

A sentimental smile quirked the side of her mouth, "And aside from the silence, you are exactly as I remember you. You're right though. I'm not the woman you knew all those years ago."  She paused, staring at him for a moment, "I thought I'd never see you again."

"I certainly didn't think I'd see you here," he answered. "Honestly, all these years, with no way to send word to the clan...I have to admit I thought you'd still be with the wagons, singing and playing."
He sat down, gesturing for Felina to also sit. "What happened? Did you leave the clan?"

Felina sat down, looking over at him, "I traveled with the wagons for a while. Turns out life on the road is not my cup of tea." She smiled, "And when I saw Ceranna... I knew I'd found the place I was meant to be. I'm still considered a member of the family, I suppose, but I haven't traveled with them in..." she leaned her head to the side, tapping her chin, "...seventeen years. I've been making my living here in Ceranna as a musician and dancer for most of those years. My appointment to nobility has been fairly recent."

Tam made a sound halfway between a laugh and a sigh. "You've been quite busy. You're so different, Felina...no longer the frightened, uncertain maiden." His eyes traveled over her. "You look and act like a woman of power, who knows exactly what she wants; a woman who knows her business and knows exactly how to get the results she desires."

He flushed slightly. "I confess I still thought of you as a little bit child like, someone I could teach a few things to...seems pretty arrogant of me, now. I should have known you'd never remain static."

He gazed into Felina's eyes. "I wish I could have avoided the circumstances that brought us back together this way." His expression is sad and grim. "The way we operate in Sangani revolves around secrecy, and subterfuge. There was no way I could have known who "Felina Silverleaf" was, not while I was still in Sangani. I've already told the Royal investigators this, but Erefor had an ace up his sleeve - he has a mage that knows a dozen sites within the city here, and who knows how to teleport. I don't think he will be so foolish as to try another assassination attempt just yet - especially since it seems he has bought into our illusion of my death. But I can't guarantee anything. I wish I'd never allowed that snake to live...but orders are orders. He is, at least, a little less insane than his predecessor."

He shook his head. "But this is not the kind of news we should be catching up on. I'm sorry. I've heard a bit about how you came to become a noble, of sorts. Cervil was kind enough to fill me in somewhat - don't be angry with him, he was maddeningly vague about the kind of details I wanted to hear." He grinned, a ghost of his old humor showing for a second.

Then his smile fades. "You're seeking a husband, then? I presume for legal reasons, or is there more going on than simple politics?"

Felina looked down, shaking her head, "No, just politics. I have an adopted son, but he can't inherit until I legalize it through marriage. Luckily marriage is not permanent here in Mancera." She sighed, "I've been courting noblemen to see if I can find anyone I can manage to put up with for a year. I've narrowed it down to a few by now, or rather, they've dwindled down to a few." She smiled joylessly, "I never thought I'd be doing this. If it weren't for Keros, my son, I wouldn't have even taken the mantle of noble much less considered marriage."

Tam looked confused. "But, I thought Keros was the adopted child of that cleric fellow. The grim one...Pale, he's called?"

Felina was no mind reader, but she could read body language quite well, especially after her lessons in the art and craft of the kestra'chern. The signals she read from Tam now gave her a moment of pause. His lips tightened and his shoulders tensed, as if he was unhappy or ready for a fight. Yet his expression was relaxed, almost lazy - except for his eyes, which watched her much more closely than his innocent question warranted.

Watching him closely, Felina slowly nodded, "Yes, Keros is Pale's son. The boy needed a mother so I co-signed the adoption papers. Pale and I are close, so it just seemed natural." She cleared her throat, looking at him matter-of-factly, "I know it seems strange. You're not the first person to question it."

Tam shook his head. "Oh, I'm not questioning your closeness with this Pale fellow," he said, quietly. "I'm wondering, though. Is something the matter with the man? Is there something wrong with him that he does not desire to confirm your closeness with something other than adoption? After all, I hear you are going to marry a common born man - no better or worse born than Pale, certainly. So why not marry this man you are close to, and obviously trust enough to let him live with you, and even accept responsibility for his child?"

He looked Felina squarely in the eyes. "There must be some compelling reason for it. Is Pale ill? Is he fated to die suddenly and soon, or something equally tragic?"

Felina met his gaze, "There's nothing wrong with him. In fact, he's fated to live quite a long life unless we manage to get ourselves killed in the mess we're involved in. I'm close to him in a way I've never been with anyone else. Even you." She pinned him with a stare before moving on, "There's a line I do not wish to cross because of that closeness. Marriage is not an option with Pale." She shoots him a sideways glance, "Why does it matter?"

Tam waved his left hand airily, "Oh, it's not that it is important that you marry him. Only that it is, indeed, unusual. After all, I would not have thought you would tolerate any man taking up so much of your life, for any reason." His right hand clenched just slightly on the arm of the chair as he spoke.

"Why not? I was close you to once." She smiles, "Or is that why? You know you hurt me when you left. Do you think I would go the rest of my life shunning men? Taking my pleasures and leaving them behind. That's not the woman I was when you left. Why would you presume such now?"

Tam winced, and looked away. The silence that filled the room echoed with pain and memory.

After a long time, Tam said, not looking at Felina at all, "I would have taken you with me, if I could have. If you'd wanted it. But I knew you didn't love me, even then. I knew you needed to be on your own... so that you could find your own way. I never thought I'd be gone so long, you know." He sighed. "I suppose if I gave it a lot of thought at all, I assumed you'd make a life for yourself with the clan, and that I would return to find that you had blossomed into a wonderful woman that would be happy to see me."

He smiled, bitterly, at the wall. "You have indeed flowered into a most marvelous woman. But you're not at all the sort of woman that would ever accept me. And if someone you trust cannot claim your love...then I am in no position to even consider trying."

Felina's eyes widened in surprise, "Tam..." she swallowed, "I'm sorry. I did not mean to be so cold." She reached out for his hand. "I dreamed of you on many cold winter nights like the ones we used to spend together... The memories were always painful for me. I missed you terribly for many years." She squeezed his hand, "It was only a few years ago that those dreams seemed to fade. Seeing you again now... I'm not sure how I feel." She sighed.

Tam slanted his eyes at her. "You know how you feel, but you aren't willing to admit it." He took Felina's fingers, in a gentle caress - but only for a moment. Then he let go. "You don't want to hurt my feelings with the truth, or you are hiding something from yourself. Either way, it really means the same thing as regards me."

He gave her a lopsided smile. "You've outgrown me."

He shook his head. "Don't misunderstand. I am glad that you've become so much more in control of your life. But when I left the clan, I took with me a memory of you, a dream of how you were and how you might change while I was gone. My daydreams of you always included you being much the same as you were when I left...but less dependent on me." His smile twisted with self deprecation. "I wanted you to want me, I admit it. Arrogant, but true. After all, why wouldn't you still want me, if you were still with the clan?"

He snorted. "I've done many things during my time in Sangani. Things I am not proud of. My daydreams about you, and about rejoining the clan, were simply ways for me to escape my life there." He looked faintly haunted for a moment before shaking it off. "In a way, I'm glad to be officially dead. It means I won't be going back there."

"Tam, I know you believe that I didn't love you. Perhaps it was easier to leave, thinking that. I can understand that. I want you to know, that despite the hurt I felt, what you did was what I needed. You did right by me, though everything at the time seemed so wrong. I have grown. I've grown in the way the gods wanted me to grow, which as you know is not always easy. I am the woman I was meant to be because of you."

She reached out to touch his cheek, "I do not want you to hurt because of me. I still care so much for you, though I am sorry I cannot say that I love you." She paused for a moment to blink back tears, "I need you to know something though," she said as her hand gently turned his head to meet her eyes, "While you were with me, those many years ago, you were loved."

Tam gazed up at her for a long moment.

Then, with a small sigh, he rested his head against her, the top of his head under her chin. His arms went around her, gently, and he just held onto her. The knot of tension that had built in the room seemed to dissipate like morning dew before the sun, as they simply stayed that way for long minutes.

There was a quick knock at the door, and then the door opened, as if the person in the hall was in quite a hurry.

Keros stood there, a small book in his hand, staring at the two of them. Then, his youthful face turned dark pink. Felina saw tears standing in his eyes before he dropped the book, turned on his heel, and fled.

Before she could react, she heard the front door of the manor house slam.

The peace of the moment shattered, Felina simply sat there looking somewhat stricken as she stared at the now open door Keros had fled through. She heaved a deep sigh as she pulled away from Tam, "Oh, Keros... He doesn't understand... He wants me to marry his father so badly."

Tam nodded. "If I may offer a touch of advice?"

He stood and walked to the door. Stooping, he picked up the book Keros had dropped. Not looking at the book, he handed it to Felina.

Felina nodded, "Of course."

"Don't chase after him." Tam nodded a little, almost as if to himself. "For one thing, it gives the idea that you'll chase after him any time he has such an outburst. He's a very smart young man, from all I've heard about him. I don't think he's above manipulating you, or his father, or anyone else, if it serves his ends. He might not think of it that way - in truth he's probably just reacting to his strong feelings. But if you pay too much attention to the unwanted behaviors, those are the ones the kid repeats."

He shrugged. "Let him go. He has places to go, doesn't he, if he needs someone to talk to other than you or Pale? Let him go to them. No one will lay a finger on him, not after you made it clear what happens to those who try to mess with you and yours. He'll come back when he's ready."

Felina nodded, taking in Tam's words as she glanced down at the book in her hand. "That sounds like something Pale would say."

The old, well worn copy of the Book of Joy lay in her hand like a silent question. Tam's eyes fell on the book as Felina regarded it.

He raised one eyebrow. "Well. That's not something I'd expect to see a religious young man carting about." Giving Felina a watchful smile, he waited to see if he should make a light comment or not.

Felina's eyes widened as she recognized the cover. "Your Book of Joy! What was he doing with this?!" She looked up at Tam, "You know what's in here!"

"Well, perhaps the lad is growing curious," Tam said. "I was about his age when I first read the Book."

Felina frowned, "Yeah, but I bet your first look at things like this didn't include a journal detailing a man's sexual experiences with your mother! Oh, gods. I've scarred the poor child."

Tam laughed aloud, then tried to smother it behind one hand. Choking a bit, he said, "Sorry. It's not funny at all..." Then he began to shake with silent laughter.

"Hey!" Felina stood up giving Tam a slap on the shoulder, "You're damn right it's not funny!" She then started giggling herself, Tam's laughter contagious, "Ok, so maybe it's a little funny." Breaking into a big smile, she began to laugh loudly, "I'm so going to hell for this."

Tam laughed with her for a while, and when they finally calmed themselves, he said, "If the young man should ask questions of you, send him to me." He winked, a wicked grin on his lips. "I'll set him straight."

Felina rolled her eyes, "Oh gods, I don't even want to know what you would tell my child." Felina smiled and looked down at the book, "He might not have even gotten that far. The good stuff's in the back." She looked up at him, smiling mischievously, "And it was really good stuff, by the way... just so you know..."

Tam just laughed and shook his head. "I’m glad you thought so...”

Just then, a servant tapped hesitantly on the door. "M'lady Felina?"

Felina regarded the servant, "Yes?"

The servant cleared her throat, "Uh, m'lady, Master Keros just left in a huff... and uh, he said to tell you..." The maid's face turned pink. "Well, ma'am, I can't rightly repeat all that he said. But he left a message, saying that he would be at the temple of Shelyn for a time. He, uh, was quite upset."

The maid averted her eyes, obviously embarrassed by whatever Keros must have said. Then, she blinked and said, "Oh yes! The young master was so upset, I forgot I had this as well." She handed over a small folded note.

Tam opened the note, clearly sent from the Spy-mistress.

After a glance, he read aloud, "Tam, make sure you show this note to Felina when you see her, as I'm sure you will. The ruse has thus far been successful; the Red King believes his assassin failed and died. He appears to be disinterested in further gambits inside Mancera. Watch your back, both of you. We'll watch Erefor."

Felina exhaled, "He fell for it. Good. He'll pay for everything... someday."

She glanced over at the servant, "I know it's uncomfortable, but I really need to know what Keros said... the book he had with him had some... interesting things. You can just write it down for me if you'd rather not say..."

The maid turned even more pink. "He, ah, he said...that he wished he had never heard of you...and that you were a faithless, two faced sneak...and that you had no heart." The maid looked increasingly upset, and a few tears spilled from her eyes as she stammered, "He - he said he hated you."

Tam looked between the maid and Felina, "I suspect he didn't read much of the book, then." He patted Felina's shoulder gently. "Don't take any of what he said too seriously. He's a young man, but also a boy. And he didn't call you many other things he could have, so it's not as bad as it could be."

Felina's breath caught in her throat as she tried to suppress the tears, "Thank you. You're dismissed." She waived the servant away.

As the door closed behind the maid, she exhaled and put her face in her hands, "I know he doesn't mean it... He doesn't understand... but still..." she sobbed, "Oh goddess please grant him some shred of understanding..."

Tam embraced her gently. "It will be all right," he said softly.

"At least you know where he is. He can't possibly be in a better place if he needs comforting and calming than a temple of Shelyn, hmm?" Tam rubbed Felina's back, soothing her.

"He is acting like many children would act, faced with an uncomfortable situation that they can't explain or control." He huffed a silent laugh, a sound lacking in real humor. "Many adults would act this way too."

"Shhh, now, shhh," he hugged her a little tighter as she wept. "It'll be okay."

Felina sobbed for a while as he held her, the familiarity of the embrace comforting, "I know you're right," she sniffed. "He'll be ok. It's hard to think that you're the source of pain for your child, though. I wish I could take it back." She shook her head, "He hasn't been too happy with me lately. I've made some poor choices, and though I can handle the rumors and talk, it still affects him."

 She looked up at Tam, "He's not too fond of my fiancée either. I have the feeling, though, that he wouldn't be pleased with anyone I chose."

Tam quirked his eyebrows. "Well, I suspect he fears losing you and his father. How can he not know that you're going into danger every time you leave town? With that being the case, I can see why he might cling desperately to the dream of seeing you both together. The idea of family, especially for us orphans, is a powerful talisman. If we have a family, even if only in concept, we are safe..." Tam's eyes grow a little sad. "That's why I always come back to the clan. No matter how long I have been gone, I know they will be there for me. I can't imagine what young Keros has been through, but just taking the fact that he has lost his birth family - I can't blame him for wanting the impossible, and being unwilling to face the facts about how life really is."

Tam let Felina go. "I suspect, too, that like so many children, he feels out of control of everything. Nothing is the same, everything is changing - and even the changes that are positive are frightening. He's growing up, Felina. Growing up is terrifying to all of us.

Felina nodded, "I never thought of it that way. I know he must worry about us when we're gone. The whole kingdom knows of the dangerous things we've been involved in, and at least our closest friends know of the great evil thing we will face soon. I can't keep it from him." She looked up at Tam, "I know he must want just a normal family sometimes. Me throwing a stranger into the mix certainly doesn't help, but the thought of marrying Pale is... terrifying."

Tam regarded Felina for a long moment.

Then he hugged her again. Murmuring into her hair, he whispered. "Don't let being afraid stop you from doing what is right."

Then he pulled back. With a lopsided smile he added, softly, "Only you can decide what is right. But once you know... don't let fear be the thing that holds you back."

The door opened. Cervil stood there, blinking a bit, and in a neutral tone, he said, "Felina, I came to tell you that we're ready to leave for Acharya again. You'll need to pack a bag; the trip is likely to take a few days this time."

Felina nodded at Cervil and then looked back at Tam looking somewhat sad, "I have to go. Perhaps we can talk a bit more once I come back? Maybe without so many interruptions?" She shot Cervil a look as he quickly ducked out of the room. "You'll still be here, won't you?"

Tam lifted his hands. "Where else do I have to go? Until it is safe for me to leave, this is going to be my home and my prison. Not that I'm truly complaining. Your King has given me a task, making what notes I can on the politics of Sangani. So, I won't be entirely bored."

Then he grinned, the old fox-like sly grin that Felina remembered so well. "And I'm sure I can convince one of the maids of the house to be friendly, eventually."

Felina grinned back, "You managed to woo me after Erefor had thoroughly scarred me. I'm sure you'll have no trouble wooing the maids here." Her spirits lifted, she reached up and planted a kiss on his cheek, "Until next time then."