A Sunny Bench, A Cold Heart

29 Kislim 497

I decided to take my tea outside today. As I was walking out to take my seat on a sunny bench, I saw Pale quietly tending the garden. I almost turned and walked away, but decided I wouldn’t let Pale’s presence dictate where I sat in my own gardens. After a moment, he turned and smiled at me, like he always does. I expected the same smile. The one that never quite reaches his eyes. There was something different there this time. Perhaps I imagined it, but for a moment he looked… sad. I think my eyes were playing tricks on me. It’s not the first time my eyes have seen things that weren’t really there. For a split second I almost went to him, and then I remembered the truth of things, and I turned away. I cannot trust him. Where Pale’s concerned, it seems my eyes deceive me and my heart betrays me.

I admit I’ve been avoiding him of late. Trying to forget that we were ever close. Well, that I was ever close. My friendship with him was painfully one sided. I had convinced myself that he cared for me. I wanted to believe it, so I did. I no longer want to delude myself though. The pain of realizing that someone I cared so much for, never really cared back is just too much for me. So I've decided to keep my distance for my heart's sake.

It’s been hard these last few days. I only just got home from my tour of my lands up north, and Pale was already here. I don’t know exactly what Pale was involved in. As usual, he hasn’t told me. Although this time I haven’t bothered to ask. He’s stayed out of my way though, and for that I’m glad. He’s been quiet… introspective. So have I, in my own way.

For once, I gladly welcome suitors. They are a distraction. They keep me from having to think too much. I bring them to bed as much as I can because that’s when I feel the most alone. At night when it’s quiet and dark. I lie awake, and I feel so… hollow. So cold.  When I have a man there, I can forget just for a little while. I can pretend I'm not alone. But those nights when my bed is empty. Those are hard. I know it has to be this way though. I have to learn how to get along without anyone.

I did this before when I left Erefor, but it wasn't so hard then. I relished the freedom of not worrying about anyone, not answering to anyone. Why is it so hard this time around? Is it because I have a child to care for? I do love Keros very much. That child is the one person in this world that truly makes me happy, and even then, I know he’ll be gone long before I will. That’s why I need to learn, now, how to rely on myself again.

Maybe it’s hard because I had gotten so used to not feeling lonely, even if it was a delusion. Nothing good can come from deluding myself though. Realizing that I meant nothing to Pale hurt. I feel like I’m grieving the loss of a dear friend. I suppose I am. I’m grieving the loss of the man I thought Pale was. The man that never was. My Pale...