Reasons...

9 Saman 497

Lennalia and I fought last time she was here in Ceranna. It was about Pale. She said he was cold, unfeeling. She said he was dangerous, that he’d hurt me. She thinks he may even kill me if I don’t stay away from him. She had this dream or vision… I will detail it here.

She saw Pale and I and the others fighting strange creatures. We were winning, but then something else approached. It didn't attack us at all; it just spoke to us. We couldn't understand what it said, but the voice was like spiders crawling inside your mind. Whatever it said, it made Cervil suddenly fall down with blood coming from his eyes and ears. Then Aric, too, fell, as if his heart had simply stopped. Then, Pale and I turn to each other. I say to him, "I would never hurt you." He raises his mace and says, "It's just too bad that I don't feel that way." And then he strikes me, and I fall to the ground, dead.

I admit I was quite disturbed by her vision. It could only be a dream born of her worry for me… but then I’m not one to discount such things either. I know visions aren’t always true. There are ways to change their outcome or avoid them. Nevertheless, what Lennalia told me stuck in my mind.

It’s made me really start to think hard about my friendship with Pale. I sat down the other night and made a list of reasons to show that Pale cares for me. A list to prove Lennalia and her vision wrong. I stared at it all night and the more I looked at the list, the more I began to doubt myself, to doubt Pale. I suppose I should copy the list here for myself. I need to see it again. I need to remember…

• Pale let me stay in his room the night before our journey into Morvant - Of course he would do what it took to calm me. We had to be ready for the fight of our lives the next day. I assumed he was being a gentleman by allowing me to have the bed while he slept in the chair. Perhaps he just didn’t want to share a bed with someone like… well, me.

• Pale took care of me on the journey back from Morvant - At first I thought it was because he cared for me, but really who else could have done it? He's the only one with any healing and caretaking abilities.

• Protected me from Erefor’s men and watched over me the night Erefor attacked me - This is just like the journey from Morvant. Who else could have helped me? I begged him to stay with me. Perhaps he stayed out of obligation to his goddess.

• Keros - Lenn thinks that he's using me to be a mother for Keros so he doesn't have to care for him so much. I've never thought that maybe she's right. He feels an obligation to Keros because he believes Pharasma gave the boy to him.

• Tea ceremony - I'm the one that insisted he learn. I suppose I did this for my own selfish reasons. It's really more like meditation, which Pale enjoys anyway. He's not doing this as a favor to me.

• Danced the Spiral Dance with me - He said this was for both of us, and I felt honored, but perhaps it was as selfish as my own wish to do tea ceremony with someone.

• Starfall Springs trip - I pushed him to go with me. I think he might have went more out of obligation than interest in going with me.

• Sparring - He just wants to get stronger. He wants me stronger only so I can fight the battle we're destined to fight. It’s not like this is quality time for him.

• Gifts at Midwinter - This doesn't mean anything. Everyone's expected to give gifts at Midwinter.

That’s it. That’s the list I had made the other night along with the reasons why I could be wrong about Pale. Sadly, that’s not all I have. That was the positive side of things. The things I thought proved he cared for me. Now, though, there is another list to go with that one. It’s the things I pushed to the back of my mind. The things I did not see. The things I chose to ignore.

• He ran after seeing his mother's spirit - Didn't trust me to help him. Wouldn't speak to me about it. He ran from me.

• He hid away when wounds reopened – He didn't trust me enough to help him until it was almost too late. I was his last resort.

• Pale left Scharnhoff without me - Now that I think on it, he had no problems leaving me in Scharnhoff. I'm sure he didn't miss me.

• Thinks Pharasma wants him to protect me - Perhaps this is the only reason he stays with me. Because he thinks it's Pharasma's will. It's not really his choice.

• Thinks I'm too free with my body - He never does the things I do. What must he think of me?

• I’ve always been the one going after him - No wonder Lenn thinks I'm in love. I’ve followed him around like a love sick maiden. I don’t think he ever comes to me, at least not about things that have nothing to do with our “grand destiny.”

• Doesn’t seem to want to talk to me - He never approaches me to talk. I'm always the first to speak. I'm not sure that he'd say anything if I didn't.

• Emotionally cold – Perhaps what I've seen as calmness, is actually coldness. I just didn't want to see it that way. I wanted to believe he felt something for me.

• Never reaches for me, never touches me - I cannot recall a time when he's ever reached out to me. It's always been me that's reached out to him. He’s never once touched me that I didn't touch him first. I never realized it until now. Does he find me repulsive? I could see where he would. A woman like me…

So that's it. My terrible lists. The things that point more and more toward Pale's coldness. The things I didn't want to admit. The black and white truth that is so hard to see, and yet, there it is. I feel... I don't know what I feel.

Oh, Lenn. How could I have been so blind? You were right, and I didn’t want to believe it. How could I have let myself become so attached to someone so cold? Perhaps it is my curse to become involved with men who will never care anything for me. Well, it will be my curse no longer. I was right not to get attached to anyone for all those years. I should have kept my distance. I shouldn’t have let myself become so close to anyone. When I was alone I didn’t hurt then the way I hurt now.

It is time I stopped living in a dream. It is time I saw things as they really are. The man I thought was my truest friend feels little more than indifference for me. I have lied to myself because of my foolish need to have someone in my life who gave a damn for me. Because I didn’t want to be lonely anymore. Because, deep down, Melianae still lives in me, and she wants desperately for someone to care for her. I’m sorry, Melianae. I’m the only one who does. I suppose we must learn to be lonely once again.