Tam has returned. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’m angry and hurt, and yet when I first saw him my heart seemed to stop for a moment and it was all I could do to keep from rushing toward him and throwing my arms around him. There was a time long ago when I loved him, though he never loved me back. That time is long passed, but I apparently still have some kind of feelings for him. I’m so confused. I thought I’d never see him again. I thought he was dead, perhaps, knowing what it was he did. When he left those many years ago, it hurt so much I was afraid I might die from the pain of it, but over time, the pain faded. I felt strong enough to move on and not rely on a man to give me happiness. At least Tam did teach me that much.
I stopped thinking of him eventually… except on those particularly cold winter nights. On nights like those, when I was alone in my bed, I would occasionally dream of him, of the way he kissed me, of the way he touched me, of the way he held me close to him as we slept. I would wake to find no one there, and that old terrible ache would come again. On those nights I’d find myself at Calistria’s temple, drowning my sorrows with a man, covering the pain with pleasure so I didn’t have to think of how much I missed him. I haven’t had one of those dreams for the last few years though. I’m not sure why.
I know Pale does not trust him and for good reason, I suppose. He’s an assassin, and I was his mark. I know he would not hurt me though, not intentionally. I’ve never told Pale about Tam. I’ve never told anybody about him. I think it’s time though. Perhaps if he reads my story, Pale will understand…
